I would tell you the punchline, but it's too mainstream.

A man walks into a talent agency and tells the agent there that he's got a brand new family act that everyone's gonna love. The agent doesn't normally do family acts, but the man tells her this one is a real winner, so she's willing to give it a shot. The man goes on to describe the act:

"A man has been at war for ten years. He returns home with his troops, and they all sit down to eat dinner with the man's wife. Suddenly, the man's cousin - who has been scheming with his wife for all the ten years he's been away - jumps out of nowhere and kills them all. The dead man's children flee the city, and the cousin takes over with the wife's help.

"A few more years pass, and the son and daughter return. After luring their mother and their father's killer into a trap, the son reveals himself and kills the usurper, followed by his mother. He leaves the scene, but instantly the Furies leap upon him and begin to torture him as he flees the scene."

The talent agent, baffled, feels the need to ask: "What do you call an act like that?"

The man smiles and replies, "The Orestocrats."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender asked him, "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

"Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!" said the pirate.

***


A professor was doing a test on children so he brought in a bunch of first graders and gave each of them a Life Saver. All the kids got the same color at the same time.

Red = Cherry
Green = Lime
Orange = Orange
Yellow = Lemon

Then he gave them all a honey flavored one. After a while all the children couldn't figure it out, so the professor gave them a hint: "This is something your mommy might call your daddy."

One little girl looked at the professor and the other children in horror and yelled, "Spit them out, they're assholes!"