In the Rose Garden / Things I will not do at Ohtori

Jellineck · Back to Top

Everybody on to the list of things you say you shouldn't do at Ohtori...but probably would (mostly).

1. I will not attempt to grow marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms in the Rose Garden and claim it's a way to help the Rose Bride relax.
2. It would be unwise not allowed to ask Nanami, ""If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
3. The dramatic atmosphere of the duel would be ruined if I tried to convince that they'd have to grab my sword out of an inappropriate place.
4. Attempting to summon Charizard during a duel would be lame, not funny.
5. I will not attempt to steal away Keiko, Aiko, and Yuuko and call them my "Angels."
6. Asking Saionji if I can polish his kendo sword would probably only get me smacked.
7. I will not convince the two trios to unionize.
8. Akio is not Dumbledore, and it would be inaccurate to refer to him as such. Especially if you called Touga his Grindelwald.
9. Shooting spitballs on the an the planetarium ceiling and claiming they're new stars will result in the need for a lot of cleaning, and will probably not be appreciated.
10. Fighting skyclad is not a good idea.
11. If I sarcastically tell Touga to fuck me up the ass and call me a bitch, I shouldn't be painfully surprised at the result.
12. Using the envelopes with Rose Seal to market porn and penis size enhancements may make some money, but may irritate the wrong people.
13. Under no conditions will I ever refer to the Sword of Dios as the Sword of Truth. Nor will I use it to carve statues out of hot people and expect them to topple communism. If I go into a long speech about the merits of individualism, truth, morality, and the evils of altruism, even Miki would tell me to shut the fuck up and throw me off the nearest balcony
14. The campus pool is not the dreaded sea of R'yleh, and I would be considered quite nerdy for referring to it as such.

Last edited by Jellineck (08-14-2008 07:47:23 PM)

OnlyInThisLight · Back to Top

Touga does not teach sex ed, and it is wrong to convince Miki that he does.

OnionPrince · Back to Top

I see what you did there.

15. I will not sing along with the duel chorus. Especially if I'm the one dueling.
16. Challenging Akio to a race is not a good idea.
17. Neither is trying to car-jack him.
18. Chu-chu is not a flotation device.
19. I will not talk to the shadow girls during or after one of their skits. It only encourages them.
20. I may not "tag in my partner" during a duel.
21. An assault rifle with a bayonnet is not considered a proper dueling weapon.
22. Neither is a chainsaw.
23. When slapping Anthy, I'm not allowed to get a "running start."
24. It is inappropriate to bungee jump from the dueling arena.
25. The chairman's residence is not to be referred to as "the Loli Tower of Penis."
26. I will not taunt the Million Swords of Hate.
27. I may not wear body armor over my rose during a duel.
28. I will not push the Emergency Stop button while being interviewed in an elevator.
29. If I'm the victor, it is considered bad form to deliberately trash my room so Anthy will have more to clean.
30. After pulling a sword out of someone's chest, it is unwise to try to force it back in when I'm done with it.

Edited into first-person for consistency.

Last edited by OnionPrince (08-15-2008 01:08:18 AM)

Stormcrow · Back to Top

Just one for me. Victory dances after a duel are not recommended.

satyreyes · Back to Top

Corollary to Rule 10: If I must duel skyclad, I will be absolutely sure to get my chest pierced before the duel. The rose has to go somewhere, and the only piercing tool available to Himemiya is not ideal for the purpose.

31. I will not get within ten meters of an elevator. Those things are always bad news.

32. Under no circumstances will I wear any dressy clothing or jewelry that I did not buy myself.

33. I will not look around for the source of that scent of roses. Instead, I will continue walking forward without reacting in any way. I might be able to fool the director into thinking I'm an extra.

34. I will not step on the monkey.

35. I will not entertain the hope that my crush returns my feelings. She does not. Instead, I will quickly secure competent counseling for both of us before the creepy scientist guy shows up with his elevator.
Corollary: I will not select a counselor whose hair is any shade of purple.

36. I will not become friends with any male whose voice has changed.

37. Above all, if I see a penis whose length is equal to its girth, I will not let it within twelve inches of my asshole.

BalamiyaVardihi · Back to Top

38: Eating curry is a no-no. A BIG no-no.

39: Making the Rose Bride your girlfriend will only make her want to betray you more.

OnionPrince · Back to Top

40. If I lose a duel, I will not constantly demand rematches until I win.
41. I do not have the authority to give Saionji a "yellow card" for kicking in a duel.
42. I will not pick at the emotional scabs of the former Black Rose duelists.
43. I may not cover the dueling arena in landmines, regardless if it would make the match more exciting.
44. I'm not allowed to quote from Richard Dawkins until Dios vanishes in a puff of logic.
45. I may not use Anthy as a human shield even though she's basically immortal.
46. Nor may I push her into traffic or off of buildings for fun.
47. Chu-chu is not my off-hand weapon.
48. I do not have a "special attack," and if I did, it would certainly not be a kick to the gonads.
49. I will not spray everyone at a party with champagne to see if anyone else is wearing a dissolving dress.

allegoriest · Back to Top

50. My friends will all be boring, normal people REGARDLESS of how 'special' I may be.

(Satyr- ....Twelve inches isn't near enough sir. *obligatory OMG ITS ROUND?!*)

dlaire · Back to Top

51. I wouldn't say to crucyfied Anthy: Hey, wanna painkiller?!

52. I wouldn't tell Juri that she has rare disease that could be cured only by having sex with blue-haired man without polished sword.
(...but I think I could tell this Nanami, but colour of hair would be different.)

53. I wouldn't blackmail Miki by sending him dead fish and note: I saw what you did with your piano teacher.

sharnii · Back to Top

54. I will not check my brain at the door of the dorm I share with Anthy
55. I will not look up the very short skirts of every girl at Ohtori
56. I will not eat rose petals
57. I will not casually run my fingers through Utena's long pink hair
58. I will not speak to my sibling ever - so as to avoid horrifying complications of any kind
59. I will not come out of the tower bedroom at night
60. I will not take hallucinogenics to enhance my school experience...they are unnecessary

61. I will not get drunk before 7am in the morning to deal with my school experience
62. I will not wait until the last possible minute to be possessed by Dios in a duel...I will be possessed from the start! emot-dance
63. I will not check my brain at the door of the chairman's tower
64. I will not compete with the long and lustrous locks of certain Ohtori males
65. I will not eat anything ChuChu has sat in

66. I will not sleep with the rose bride...I might catch something emot-gonk
67. I will not sit on Akio's couch, it's so ewww
68. I will not listen to the sudden bouts of music
69. I will not try to understand the confusing lyrics of the sudden bouts of music
70. I will not be upset if Touga wins Anthy off me...I will be fu*&in' relieved emot-rolleyes

71. I repeat I will not sleep with Anthy. Unless I see her wily-adult-nekkid-body and wild-hair-of-sex in which case I shall fu*& her silly
72. I will not sleep with Akio. Unless of course he offers, in which case it's only polite to jump on...er in
73. I will not ride in Akio's flashy red sports car. I have better things to ride in.
74. When I write insults in Saionji's exchange diary I will try to come up with something intelligent
75. I will not slap Anthy silly. Unless she says something cryptic... school-devil

76. I will not believe anything Anthy says when I can't see past the reflection of those da*% glasses
77. I will not bleed in the dueling arena...because I don't appear to have any blood...
78. I will not dye my hair. It is unnecessary.
79. I will not be feel warm and safe when Akio refers to me as "family". Much less if he calls me his "sister".
80. I will not refrain from ripping my own fu*&in rose off my chest the moment I'm faced with dueling Juri - hell, I don't wanna die

81. I will not let Anthy's hand within 5 feet of the valley of my breasts
82. I will not listen to the ramblings of the shadow play girls. I have no f*%kin idea wtf they are on about.
83. I will not try to bring world revolution. Because I don't f*&kin know wtf it is.
84. I will not try to define my sexuality, but I will explore it with everything that moves.
85. I will not, I repeat will not ride on the elevator to hell

86. I will not ask wtf has just happened to the black rose duelist whose coffin fell into hell...
87. I will not have sex because I am a minor. No wait, I will...but it's ok cos I'll use my adult-body for that.
88. I will not believe in miracles, eternity, my precious thing, or that I have a chance to remain a virgin.
89. I will not let Anthy touch my nipples. Mostly because I don't have any.
90. I will not let Akio's amazing nipples make me feel bad about not having any.

91. I will not attempt to take my shirt off at every possible opportunity. I don't need to, there's plenty of duelists doing that to me.
92. I will not pay for porn on cable. I don't need to, I can just walk into the observatory.
93. I will not attempt to open the rose coffin. I have better things to open. etc-wankgirl
94. I will not position myself in front of a wide open window when I hear Wakaba running up. I will step to the side.
95. I will not let the "love I share with Anthy" be called gay-love. No, it's far too lofty and pure and seeing somebody nekkid in an elevator doesn't really count.

96. I will not put up my umbrella every time it starts to rain rosepetals.
97. I will not let the relationship I have with Anthy in the credits enter into the relationship I have with her in the anime. Why the fu&* should one have any bearing on the other?!
98. I will not wear underwear under my tight little red shorts. Because they ARE my underwear.
99. I will not get a crick in my back from bending over backwards to have a sword pulled out of my chest. All the sex has made me flexible. emot-biggrin

AND FINALLY WE'VE REACHED THE BIG NUMBER:

100. I will not be a tart. No wait, I'm movie-Anthy! I only have my adult-body, and my skirt's so short you don't even have to look up it!

emot-tongue Well that was a lotta fun. What a cool thread. emot-keke

Like_Autumn · Back to Top

101. I will not imitate a cow when in Nanami's immediate proximity.
102. I will not open any pencil cases, dresser drawers, or closet doors in Anthy and Utena's dorm.
103. I will not run all over the school grounds at dusk looking for the shadow play girls (in order to determine if they're real or not).
104. I will not, under any circumstances, tell Akio he has a sweet ride.
105. I will not be surprised when random zoo animals appear in Ohtori.
106. I will not mention the phallic symbolism of swords within Juri's hearing.

Giovanna · Back to Top

Jellineck wrote:
8. Akio is not Dumbledore, and it would be inaccurate to refer to him as such. Especially if you called Touga his Grindelwald.

I don't believe you! emot-mad

107. I will not bother to do my homework, study, or maintain a 4.0 GPA by such merits when I can just start sleeping with the teachers.
108. 'Ugh, your friend is really a fucking jackass.' is not a good way to pick up Saionji. Or is it...?
109. I will impose on myself a 500 foot restraining order keeping me away from Juri and Shiori. I have no wish to get run over.

Jellineck · Back to Top

I love these!

110. Anthy is not my "nigga" and I deserve the sword in the back as such.
111. Trying to form a LBGT club on campus is probably a decent idea. Trying to get Akio to be the supervisor probably is not.
112. No matter what I think, getting Anthy drunk and hitched in an online Las Vegas wedding will not end her status as "Rose Bride" and finish the duels.
113. Herpes is never funny - especially when insinuating that Touga has a nasty case.

Last edited by Jellineck (08-15-2008 12:08:43 PM)

Anthiena · Back to Top

114: I will not ask Mamiya if he is Anthy. Ever.
115: Likewise, I will not ask Anthy if she was Mamiya.
116: I will not quiz Keiko on how much she despises Nanami.
117: I will not spread rumours about Touga, Akio and STDs. They are probably true.
118: I will not enter either of the above men's presence whilst sexually frustrated.
119: I will not hit on Juri while Shiori is around.
120: I will likewise not hit on Juri while Ruka is around.
121: I will not steal Miki's watch. No matter that Ikuni says that it contains the mysteries of the world.
122: I will not mention lolita in Akio's presence. It's probably run of the mill for him nowadays anyway.
123: I will not ask Akio to be a part of his harem. He would probably accept and wierdness would ensue.
124: I will not ask the shadow girls if there is a shadowboy. Or for shadow boy's number.

Hedgehogey · Back to Top

125. Mikage is not a real doctor and does not have any good reason to touch my genitals.

Almaser · Back to Top

126. I will not distribute leaflets claiming that the waters of the Rose Gate in the forbidden forest are actually a powerful hallucinogen that the administration is testing on the Student Council. Even if it does make more sense than a giant staircase and an upside-down castle.
127. I will not leave thumbtacks along the Roads at the Ends of the World.
128. I will refrain from asking the Chairman what he uses to "get the stains off of his car's seats"
129. I will not leave stuffed elephant toys in Miss Kiryuu's locker.
130. I will not leave pincushions in Miss Himemiya's locker.
131. I will not leave a copy of the poetry of Sappho in Miss Tenjou's locker.

Tamago · Back to Top

132. I will avoid wearing any items Anthy has bought from the Magical Shopping Network; I prefer to stay human thank you very much.
133. If I find myself been challenged to a duel, I will not go via the stairs; I prefer to be freah when I face a swordsman(or woman) in battle.
134. If Anthy offers me one of her curries, I will not touch it unless the other person eating the curry has a body I want to inhabit.
135. Offering Nanami a milkshake is fine, but telling her it was milked from her when she was a cow is asking for trouble.
136. Seeking anything more meaningful than hot sex with Kozue would be pointless; shes too hung up on her brother.
137. The same could be said of Nanami.
138. I will not convince Akio to buy a Holden Sandman; he scores way too much pussy already.
139. If I become the Engaged and its time to duel, I will not use the Sword of Dios, I will pull out the Chainsaw of Dios instead; its much more intimidating.
140. I will not even attempt to straighten Juri's hair while she is asleep or for any other time for that fact.

Epi_lepsia · Back to Top

141. I will not warm Pop Tarts in a toaster. And in which case, I will pay attention not to burn the Nemuro Memorial Hall or any other building of the academy.

Last edited by Epi_lepsia (08-16-2008 12:25:07 PM)

satyreyes · Back to Top

142. I will not gape at the magical car wash. I will not hug the hood of the car and ask "oh my God, are you okay?" I will not ask questions. I will just get in and drive.

Mishi · Back to Top

On dueling
143. I will not duel unless I know how to fence/do kendo.
144. I will not duel if I am in the middle of an emotional crisis.
145. I will under no circumstances allow Touga to attend one of my duels.
146. I will not cry foul when Nanami/Tsuwabuki whips out her/his dagger. No one cares.
147. Likewise, I will not cry foul when Saionji/Juri/Touga kicks me around the dueling arena, for the same reason.
148. If Touga attempts to seduce me when I know I'm about to duel him, I will not fall for his attempt to manipulate the outcome of the upcoming duel.

On treating the cast like a gentlewoman
139. I will not yell "For God's sake, what do you see in him, he's a pompous git, he's a player, he uses girls, he's been around more than the whores on 7th Avenue!" at the top of my lungs to Touga's fangirls.
149, corollary 1: I will not yell "For God's sake etc." within earshot of Touga. He might take it as a challenge.
149, corollary 2: I will not yell "For God's sake etc." within earshot of Nanami. She would probably murder me.
150. I will not taunt Touga in French. Chances are he's better at it than I am.
151. I will stay the hell away from Akio. I want my first time to be with someone who actually loves me.
152. I will not seek counseling while in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I will wait for the breakdown to happen, then seek therapy at an institute far from any elevators... I mean, far from Ohtori.
153. I will not give anyone roses.
154. If I think my best friend is perfect, I will not contradict myself by thinking she is capable of contempt.
155. I will not let my relationship with my parents deteriorate to the point at which they inform me by phone or handwritten missive that they are getting divorced, and that my father is marrying the Rose Bride. That's just cold.
156. I will not keep an exchange diary with the Rose Bride and write nasty things about the current Champion in it. That would be asking for trouble.

On metaphysics
157. I will not die. I will 'graduate'.
158. I am not Utena, nor do I have the Rose Bride's approval. Therefore, I will not turn into a car. It won't help.
159. I will keep my keep my car keys on my person at all times.
160. I will not let my apartment become a mess. I will keep it clean to minimize the risk of tripping over something and falling out the window.
161. I will not leap over cars.
162. I will not get into a car with Akio. Especially if Touga's shirt is unbuttoned and he's telling me to.

Other miscellaneous resolutions
163. I will not let Anthy cook for me more than once a week. Shaved ice gets old.
164. If I play a trick on Anthy, and it fails, I will not repeat the same trick with minor details changed and expect different results. I will especially not repeat it twice. Above all, I will not expect sympathy when I blow up at my witnesses for not thinking Himemiya Anthy is a weirdo.
165. I will not spout uninformed opinions on how other duelists should treat their friends/sisters/potential love interests. My wisdom is not appreciated, and might even get me skewered by an angry fencing captain.
166. I will not ask Utena to explain the logic by which wearing a boy's uniform makes her closer to being a prince. There isn't any. (except for Rule of Cool, but then, that's not why she's doing it...)
167. I will not point out to Utena that no boy's uniform ever included red spandex short shorts.
168. I will especially not do either of the above within earshot of Wakaba, for fear that she would attempt to "force her own logic on me".

169. I will not hint that I am a man. *looks at above resolution* Dammit.

Last edited by Mishi (08-16-2008 06:00:04 PM)

SexingTouga24/7/365 · Back to Top

170. fuck touga and ruka in the dueling arenacoughhack.
171. attempt to blackmail Akio with all the under age fucking charges.
172. Give Akio the pimp of the year award and introduce him to rock stars.
173. going around pointing out various anachronisms on the campus.
174. making where every that student body gets their contraceptives and STD items close.
175. giving all the Utena cast "truth serum" and asking pointed questions.

Mishi · Back to Top

176. If Akio compares himself to Venus, I will not ask him if he means the fat little fertility statues the cavemen produced by the thousands.

Trench Kamen · Back to Top

177. I will not drop the soap.

Hiraku · Back to Top

Trench Kamen wrote:
177. I will not drop the soap.

Why soap? emot-confused

178. I will not wear anything from Dior

179. I will not borrow another person's pencil box

180. I will not restrain myself from speeding

OnionPrince · Back to Top

181. I may not have a Rose Bridesmaid or Rose Best Man. Rose Celebrant is right out.
182. Regardless of my religion, I may not have more than one Rose Bride.
183. After losing the Rose Bride in a duel, I will not claim that "she didn't dump me, I dumped her."
184. After losing the Rose Bride in a duel, I will not sue for breach of promise.
185. After losing the Rose Bride in a duel, I will not pawn my rose signet out of spite.

#1 | Back to Top08-14-2008 07:46:07 PM

Things I will not do at Ohtori

#2 | Back to Top08-14-2008 08:25:59 PM

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#3 | Back to Top08-14-2008 08:52:18 PM

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#4 | Back to Top08-14-2008 09:48:17 PM

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#5 | Back to Top08-14-2008 11:45:25 PM

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#6 | Back to Top08-15-2008 12:56:16 AM

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#7 | Back to Top08-15-2008 01:10:25 AM

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#8 | Back to Top08-15-2008 03:11:23 AM

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#9 | Back to Top08-15-2008 03:49:05 AM

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#10 | Back to Top08-15-2008 06:49:25 AM

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#11 | Back to Top08-15-2008 11:46:18 AM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

#12 | Back to Top08-15-2008 11:57:40 AM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

Jellineck wrote:

#13 | Back to Top08-15-2008 12:07:30 PM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

#14 | Back to Top08-15-2008 04:40:08 PM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

#15 | Back to Top08-16-2008 01:11:32 AM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

#16 | Back to Top08-16-2008 02:40:46 AM

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#17 | Back to Top08-16-2008 09:13:36 AM

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#18 | Back to Top08-16-2008 12:24:52 PM

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#19 | Back to Top08-16-2008 12:42:38 PM

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#20 | Back to Top08-16-2008 05:50:05 PM

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#21 | Back to Top08-16-2008 09:35:58 PM

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#22 | Back to Top08-17-2008 01:38:18 PM

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#23 | Back to Top08-19-2008 12:37:27 AM

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#24 | Back to Top08-19-2008 12:58:20 AM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

Trench Kamen wrote:

#25 | Back to Top08-19-2008 03:24:30 AM

Re: Things I will not do at Ohtori

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