You know what? I hate html.I wish I was doing almost anything else.Like getting laid. I could be having sex right now, but noooo.I watched Utena lose her virginity again this weekend.That scene is so hot.The fine line between obsession and madness is... what was I saying?GIRL ON GIRL ACTION!!!I want that outfit. I like red and black. What a surprise.This layout took forever to get just right. But that was because I took so many breaks.I never ate glue in kindergarten. Hard to tell, huh?Gio keeps talking about food. What a bitch.LEGS.See, I'm being productive. Now if only I could do this at work, where productive is just a dream...GODDAMMIT STOP TALKING ABOUT FOODYou know, those are the only important things in life. Food, sex, and sleep.Everything else is just window dressing.I have to clean my house still. That sucks.I hate cleaning. I should buy maids.I want to go to a museum, but I don't want to get out of my jammies.I suck at being energetic.Funny, you don't look Druish.


Old Flames


Rating: pg
Utena:is not mine don't sue
Pairings: with pleasure I say Chigusa Sanjouin and Juri as the sparks ignite and the panther strikes out.
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The word hit the air like divine justice. Always just short of viciously mocking the challenger who left the fencing track. It was amusing to watch, and she watched. Ever since the unbeatable panther joined the club, she watched. Just far enough away never to be noticed and just close enough to see every ounce of raw and formed talent the girl had. Her reddish brown eyes moved coolly over the captain of the fencing team, regarding her wisely, and waiting…Waiting for the perfect moment to step from her place in the shadows and challenge the auburn haired beauty. The sound of foils tackling each other, punishing the air with quick bursts was suddenly halted by that unseeming yet perfectly stated word.


The time was close. She slipped from her place and sauntered closer to the track, listening carefully to the way the panther’s opponent moved in a vain attempt to keep up the dance. His shoes squeaked along until finally the high rattle of his foil hitting the ground silenced them. She smirked as she drew her mask over her head, waiting patiently for an elegantly harsh word to caress the air.


She pushed through the crowd and stepped to the track. The statuesque angel across from her waited in silence, possibly wondering whom the new challenger was. With a quick step the dance had begun. Light and nimble her advances were well placed…but her blade was even better. It was a good long run about the track. The easy back and forth was clearly drawing a lot of attention. She cared nothing for the crowd though. She cared only for the steady rhythm of her foil beating against the fencing captain’s. For the sound of actual exertion spilling from the girl’s mouth. Preparing for her final strikes she wondered the last time her opponent had needed to fight this hard. With a quick step, and a lunge her blade met its target. The sound of cheers from the gallery was quickly forgotten as she removed her mask and the defeated girl before her stiffened. The panther’s mask was thrown off without care. Hazel eyes just a breath from shocked.

“Ms. Sanjouin?”

She rather enjoyed the way the girl spoke her name. All that respect and clear admiration wrapped in surprise and slight bitterness was just what she always wanted. “Getting a little rusty”, she breezed. “You’ve been too busy teaching the novices to improve your skill.” She smirked as she looked around at the other team members who only slightly recognized her. It was fun not to be known. She addressed the rest of the team firmly, “For those who are not used to seeing my face let me introduce myself. I am Ms. Chigusa Sanjouin, the administrator in charge of this team. You’re working your captain much harder than you should be, and by the way she has been extinguishing you from the track I can see she could use some help planting your lessons into your head.” She paused, taking a breath to glance over at the team’s captain. Her focus removed she shot in again. “All that said…I look forward to working with each of you. And now”, her icy glance washed over the whole of the room. “I suggest you all hit the showers.”

If the stoic girl was offended by her sudden loss of control she didn’t show it. She was about to go to the showers herself when the smoky voice of the administrator hit her ears with polite attention.

“Would you mind seeing me in my office for a second Miss Arisugawa?”

“Not at all”, she replied stiffly and walked along to the office.

It was a miserable little room. Two giant filing cabinets pushed up against the far wall, the flickering fluorescence of lights, and an overly tidy desk cast the scene for darkness. But the mostly strict woman smiled warmly as the girl followed her, loving the way her guest tried to remain unmoved by the invitation to talk.

“I didn’t think you wanted to get involved with the team”, the angel stated. Her bluish-green eyes coldly assessing the woman across from her.

“You are quite right…I hadn’t meant to interfere at all. The day you met me I made that clear. I trust the team’s captain.”

“Then why-“

“Because as accomplished as this team is, you are the only one holding it together. You graduate soon…I don’t want the team to fall to pieces just because you leave.” She believed it a solid and unquestionable answer.

“Miki is more than capable of handling this team”, was the unexpected argument.

“He is…but he isn’t respected as you are. They may fear you but there is no denying the respect that is there. They trust you to guide them when they make a mistake…Miki does that, but with a little too much gentle ease. I want to make sure the team keeps its discipline.” She sat in what looked to be an uncomfortable chair. It had most likely been part of the office since before she was the administrator. “You don’t mind do you?”

Auburn locks swayed with a silent answer. “Anything else you want from me?” It was asked with some harshness, like an old wound that could never be forgotten.

“Nothing…at the moment.”


“Hey”, her cool voice invaded like a song. “Juri…tell me about the mysterious fencing administrator. I didn’t even know there was one.” She smirked wickedly, ocean blue eyes begging for an answer.

“There is little to tell.” Her voice was colder than usual, distant and nearly dark. “She keeps to herself. She teaches one or two classes, but that is all. And”, she paused fixing her gaze on her newly found friend. “At one time she was the youngest member of the Ohtori staff...only seventeen when she was hired on.”

A light hand breezed through topaz hair, her previous smirk fixed into a delighted smile. “Leave it to you to know everything…about everyone.”

“No one knows everything”, she stated as if confirming something that had never been asked.

Again the darkness in her tone caught the girl’s attention. “Hmm…well…How delightful. I should go acquaint myself with this Ms. Sanjouin.”

She had meant that comment to induce a response, but it didn’t. It sat like an eerie fog, a curse around the stoic angel it had been aimed at. Hazel eyes merely looked away in, something bordering on, shame.

“Wow”, she said softly. “I haven’t seen you like this in a while. What happened? You run into Shiori?”

“Not Shiori”, She replied harshly. She regretted her tone, knowing it would only cause the girl before her to prod a little deeper.

“Juri?” The wicked fire in her eyes faded. The panther was hurt…or rather nursing an old wound. And because Kozue prided herself as the only other wild animal on campus she felt she could be of help…without getting herself bit in the process. “Well then…what has you all frozen. I’ve never known anything but a certain past to make you this silent. Maybe I should go ask the fencing administrator she seems pretty-“

Her voice was cut off as a graceful hand took a violent hold on her wrist. It was really serious, for such a reaction. The fallen angel was getting a bit too emotional.

“Do not go searching for her.”

“Bold warning, love…She must have shattered your world to have you like this.”

The grip on her wrist disappeared, and an answer that was not needed leapt from the panther’s lips. “She did.”

Eyes deeper than the ocean blinked in slight wonder at the confession. It was so unlike Juri to be anything but a solid wall of strength. But she would heed the warning…after all wild animals had to stick together or be caught and killed by shadowy poachers. In a quick thankful moment a bright and cheery Miki appeared to cast away the dark that had begun to hover. He smiled mentioning the great luck he had with his new piano instructor, and off handedly touched upon the shock of the fencing administrator deciding to become more active. His light blue eyes did not notice the way his closest friend cringed at the sound of the woman’s name.

“So Miss Juri...Are you ok with her deciding to take things over I mean I guess she has every right to but…” He trailed off thinking he was perhaps asking too many questions.

She forced a smile and stood up. “It’s fine Miki. I’ll talk you two later.”

“Oh? Well, ok then. See you around.” He smiled as she walked out of the room, his expression marred only by his sister swatting him upside the head. “OW! Kozue what are you-“

“Gods you’re an idiot”, the cruel girl stated and stormed off leaving her brother to his vast confusion.


She was unsure of how she managed to calm Kozue’s curiosity, but after days of well placed masks and deceptions she got the girl to leave her alone. To stop asking exactly what it was Ms. Sanjouin had done. Conversations returned to their normal vein and Juri was happy to have accomplished the task. The guilt that she felt at hiding the truth was nothing compared to the truth itself. And the truth was something she had to confront on her own terms and in one place.


The fencing hall was vacant, and she was used to the emptiness by now. Used to the feel of the ghostly walls calling her away to another time. The quiet reminded her of what she had let go. The panther she let slide from her grip out of something that wasn’t quiet fear. She called it responsibility, but it felt like something else. She was arranging the extra foils placing them neatly on the large rack before her, considering moving the bulky piece of furniture closer to the practice room. Nimble steps echoed down the hallway, and she recognized the footfall. She found it amusing being able to recall the way someone moved. The sound of the way someone walked was something that not everyone could decipher. Her back turned to the fencer she continued her arranging. After a long stint of struggled silence she conceded and turned around, a feral if not delighted grin on her face.

“Come for a rematch?” Her tone was, reminiscent of a dying fire. She stood doing her best at guessing the fencer’s purpose for being there.

“Something like that”, was the cold statement that greeted her.

The way the stoic angel pretended was brilliant. Made Chigusa want to embrace the girl like she had done years ago. The memory broadened her grin, extending it to a light smile. The older woman noted with some interest that a familiar piece of jewelry was no longer strangling the girl’s neck. She tried to contain her shock. Her reddish brown eyes, moved passed the panther just a bit to catch another recognized face enter the hall.

“My if today isn’t the day for visitors”, she quipped and calmly ventured to expel the violet-eyed intruder. Upon returning she winked and said, “You expelled her from the team, but she seems to think I may be able to get her back on.”

“She missed four practices in a row”, the auburn haired beauty stated firmly. “My rules are my rules…I make no exceptions.” Her eyes seemed darker than before. “But if you want to change my policies too I suppose I have to accept that.”

The woman huffed. It was an interesting little side note to the team captain’s original purpose for being at the hall. “Shall we to my office? Or would you rather not?”

She enjoyed the extreme quiet much more than she figured she would. The intense glare that shot from the panther as they entered the office, burning with long dead things. Wounds that had obviously scarred, and still stung in full view for both women to see, a delightful little mess that had been created and never really cleaned up. The lights in the office were painful to stand under, but she figured if she turned them down the fencer would become alarmed. An easy hand moved through turquoise locks and she leaned against her desk as the door shut with a violent thud.

“What’s on your mind Miss Arisugawa”, her formalities biting at the past with elegant tact.

“I think you’re up to something much more than making sure the team keeps its discipline”, the icy voice of the fencer stated.

Her eyes shut as she shook her head, arms thrown up in mock defense. “Caught me did you?”

“Don’t patronize it’s rather insulting.”

“Is it? I’m serious about the team Arisugawa. Very serious.” She shrugged and then relaxed back into her former stance. “So…what do you think I’m up to?”

She considered the past as she spoke, trying not to let the conversation tilt back to all those years ago. “I think you’ve been watching me far too closely …So I gather your plotting to bring me down…or…” The word lingered, thinning softly and then dying.

“Or?” She perked an eyebrow, her arms now across her chest. “Maybe you think I’m going to pull you into something you don’t want? Maybe”, she moved across the tiny room, getting closer than she needed to. “Maybe it’s all just your vivid imagination.”

The panther’s cold exterior slipped into a toothy grin.

“When a panther looks like that…one must beware of getting mauled”, Chigusa remarked. “I should have ripped that golden trinket from your throat the minute I saw it.”

Her grin vanished, washed back into the cold of her heart. “Maybe. Why didn’t you?”

“You wouldn’t let me.”

“Never stopped you from being forceful before”, she whispered, an old look of shame breezing over her.

“Oh that was a nice little wound to reopen.” She enjoyed the ease with which it was placed though, reminded her of what she let go. “But as you know school rules are school rules…and no matter how many professors end up getting away with it…you know full well I would have been caught.”

“And now”, the angel questioned. “What if I came to you now as I did then…would you do the same thing?”

“Yes.” The answer felt too quick.


She purposely positioned herself as close as she possibly could get. “I’d tell you no…and then I’d rip that locket from your neck. Send it to the incinerator…watch it burn so you could live as an angel instead of a thing fallen from grace. “ There was fire to her low voice that could not be denied. “Now, was there anything else gnawing at your pride or was that it?”


Somehow she knew it would come down to a moment so wonderfully intense. She felt it rising in her like a tide. The sea of one’s emotions was a fun little pool to play in, and carefully sailed life was easily managed and predictable. So when the soft challenge graced her ears she tired not to smile, she just backed away and prepared for the duel. And there on the fencing track that’s where everything could be decided and ended. It was such a polite way to settle things she wondered why it ever went out of style. The mask hid her eyes but the older woman could feel the burning glare that was gracing her. Felt the heat of a thousand old things that needed to be replaced and defeated. Briefly she recalled another match she had that was similar. It was oddly noble when she remembered it. She was ready to begin, and if she wanted to she could have let silence rule all but she didn’t.

“Don’t go getting too emotional Arisugawa”; Chigusa called. “Last time you got that way Ruka wiped the floor with you.”

Her eyes narrowed behind her mask, that was an unnecessary comment. “So he told you?”

She shrugged and swished the foil. “For some reason all you fallen angels trust me with your secrets. And I keep them…safe and sound. Maybe I’m fallen too.”

The blades met with a shrill clack. There were no real rules to follow for this bought. The entire practice room was fair ground. So the duel moved much like those the panther had fought in that lamentable arena just outside of the school. The older woman staggered forward, a misstep that was very unlike her. Juri gracefully moved to the side.

“Talk about getting emotional”, she quipped.

Again a shrill clack filled the air. It would have been a great match to talk about with others, but there was no audience to discuss all the little noticeable asides that took place. The way the panther would let herself fall to the defensive only to regain her position with a quick twist of her wrist. The irresistible way mysterious administrator would lead things into a nearly still volley and then lash out with unexpected strength…like a flame suddenly given breath. The fight seemed to have no meaning. It seemed a simple enough exercise, but both women knew what was being fought. Heartache was a slow demon to slay, and the two had inflicted it well upon each other, one for all her past desperate and childish want, and the other for her inability to save her favorite girl from something so slick as the unrequited. Both were clearly tiring.

“Why don’t we both agree to be equal on this floor”, the older woman offered as her mask flew off. She made a quick catch up step and took the mask from the fallen angel.

Auburn locks spilled down, but her sword continued to attack. “Because things have to be decided. I’m sick of wondering.”

“Wondering or wishing?”

The question only prodded the girl to move quicker, causing the older woman to stumble. Juri caught her and tossed her to the ground. The fiery-eyed woman sprang up off the floor, her anger apparent, that last move was very uncivilized. Her foil caught the fencing captain’s with sudden strength and they were locked together in firm force. One pushing against the other and it was there that all the similarities between the two were clear. Equal height, equal weight, one the soul of angelic fire, the other the cold of a cat’s eye. And both fought against what they had been when they had first met. Only four years had separated them in age, and four years ago…that’s when everything was decided.

“Would you have let me take that trinket from you, if I’d given in and said yes”, she shouted, trying to maintain her grip.

“No.” It was soft but her stance remained strong. “Would you have accepted my offer if that chain had never existed?”


She lost her baring with the answer. Lost her will to hold to the duel and was happy to find the girl in front of her had lost as well. Their foils were still locked, but loosely. They fell to the ground as both women pulled into a violent kiss. Juri was the first to push away, and she did so harshly. Her breath ragged and her eyes clearly lost in shock.

“What are we doing”, she whispered. A gloved hand covered her face. “Why do we always end up like that?”

The older woman shrugged. “Know idea…it’s rather annoying though isn’t it? But I suppose you can’t blame mutual attraction for trying.”


“Oh please…you may be stoic and hard to read but you aren’t blind.” She sighed and sat up. “I mean that first time…”

“That first time someone cruel had just left me…Can’t use that as an example. I was too young remember…that’s what you said”, the panther said a slight bitter ring to her tone.

“Yes, well you were”, Chigusa confessed. “And I was new to the staff…and well…we’ve been over it haven’t we?”

She nodded slightly. “What about the funeral?”

“Chalk it up to deep sorrow…but you were the one to say no that time”, she reminded with a smile.

“Yes well”, she paused as she brushed some sweat-drenched locks from her face. “Let’s not get bogged down in every detail.”

“Oh and I was just going to mention some of the other events”, she breezed sarcastically. “Like you want to explain that night you just appeared on my doorstep roaring about how there were no miracles that it was just blind luck?”

She began to pull her gloves off and tossing one aside grunted, “I was having a bad day.”

The other glove was tossed shortly after as the memory struck her. She began to laugh. The prince proved her wrong and instead of residing herself to her room, to wallow in the memory of how much she hated Shiori for being so naïve, she ran to the fiery-eyed woman across from her. Ran and ranted, and like a regal lioness the older woman had listened. She shook her head at the realization.

“I’m just too damned stubborn”, the fallen angel confessed.

“Excuse me?”

She looked over and smiled widely. Hazel eyes calming from the storm of the duel. “I’m stubborn Ms. Sanjouin. And you are too by the way. We get far too caught up in protecting ourselves from being hurt to see what we’re doing to each other. Tell me…did you ever find the time to throw your own chains away?”

“I tossed them away one link at a time…I think I’ve only a few left. Why do you ask?” She grinned.



Her voice hit the air a tamed roar. She assessed the skill of the challenger who approached her, smiling under her mask. The movements were graceful and the dance was long, but she lost. Feeling the foil stab mercilessly at her heart. She tore off her mask, turquoise locks billowing to her shoulders. Her eyes narrowed a bit.

“I suppose you think that makes us even”, she stated under the low claps from the gallery.

“I think it makes me better”, the girl replied with a purr.

Fiery eyes tore around the room and then settled on the clock. “Practice is dismissed”; she shouted and watched with joy as the team scurried at the sound of her voice.

The elegant team captain began to wander off.

“Where do you think you’re going Miss Arisugawa?”

Hazel eyes met her, a little dark. “I was going to the showers. Did you need me for something?”

The last of the observers was leaving the hall and she could barely contain her laughter, the stoic angel joined her.

“I think we may have gone too far today”, Chigusa said trying to stifle her chuckle.

“What you don’t like the play we put on for people? I thought you wanted to be extra careful. But I think we may be acting too well…Rumor is we want to kill each other”, she replied coolly.

“Kill? I thought we were old rivals still disgruntled over some tired old flame?”

“That was last week”; She corrected. “Now we can’t stand each other.” She stalked over to the administrator and placed a light hand on her shoulder. “We don’t even like to be in the same room”, she purred.

“That will definitely put a damper on things.”

“Oh Why?”

She shrugged, “Thought you might enjoy dinner…You know a real meal as compared to those instant science experiments you normally eat.”

She chuckled slightly. “Why Ms. Chigusa Sanjouin…are you actually asking me out?”

“Maybe”, she replied the fire in her eyes growing. “But if you’d rather just stay friends I’ll understand that.”

The panther sighed. “If the fencing administrator will let me hit the showers we can discuss ending our play over a nice meal.”

“Then the captain is dismissed, and is reminded that reservations are at six”, Chigusa stated. “No brooding in the shower.”

“I’ll see you soon then”; she whispered and walked back to the locker rooms.