You know what? I hate html.I wish I was doing almost anything else.Like getting laid. I could be having sex right now, but noooo.I watched Utena lose her virginity again this weekend.That scene is so hot.The fine line between obsession and madness is... what was I saying?GIRL ON GIRL ACTION!!!I want that outfit. I like red and black. What a surprise.This layout took forever to get just right. But that was because I took so many breaks.I never ate glue in kindergarten. Hard to tell, huh?Gio keeps talking about food. What a bitch.LEGS.See, I'm being productive. Now if only I could do this at work, where productive is just a dream...GODDAMMIT STOP TALKING ABOUT FOODYou know, those are the only important things in life. Food, sex, and sleep.Everything else is just window dressing.I have to clean my house still. That sucks.I hate cleaning. I should buy maids.I want to go to a museum, but I don't want to get out of my jammies.I suck at being energetic.Funny, you don't look Druish.


We'll Never Have That


****Standard disclaimer type stuff*****
Rating: PG
Utena: and the characters of that show are not mine…just bending them to my will Muhahahahaha!!!! Just kidding. Please don’t sue me.
Time frame: between Juri’s last duel and the end of that particular episode 29.
Credit where credit is due: Please try your best to find and listen to this song “Part of me” by Lara Fabian. This song takes the place of my usual poetry… I thought it fit sort of. Other things to listen to…oh anything sad will do…actually I highly recommend Lara Fabian’s self titled album over all. Oh bits of “You’re not from Here” also by Lara Fabian are in the fic…mixed up in the dialogue.
Moving on: please tell me what you think.… I love all opinions good or bad… hit me with your best shot. Enjoy.


No one dared to enter the room when she was there. Doctors, nurses, not even his parents would enter when she was there. She never questioned why. She supposed they were afraid of her, much like the faculty at school. Or perhaps they knew better than to interrupt her time with him. What was the saying? Never step between a lion and her cubs? It didn’t seem to make sense given the circumstances. Perhaps the motto should be changed to ‘Never stand between a panther and her dying friend’. She shook her head, a mass of auburn curls swaying with the motion. It didn’t matter anymore. Her eyes were focused sharply on the young man lying before her. All his strong features weakened by the pull of his surroundings. His intense blue eyes shutting out the world. The machines beeped and hissed making her feel lost. Forcing air into his lungs, nourishing his limp body. Her eyes moved to the clock that was slowly ticking away. She only had fifteen more minutes to visit. If he didn’t open his eyes in two more weeks they were going to pull the plug. It sounded very harsh as she thought about it, but better harsh than dumbed down into words that tried to hide the reality of it all. Her hazel eyes seemed to spark a deep and unyielding blue in the soft light of the room. It was as if the tears she couldn’t cry trapped themselves in the color of her eyes, giving an unnoticeable clue that she was hurt. She took his hand then. She hadn’t ever before. She just sat and watched him. But for whatever reason she took his hand, his once strong now weak hand, and squeezed it.

Look in these eyes you’ll see the dark
Fat little space inside my heart
But dark aside with holds the light
The light that brightens me inside

You don’t know…..

“I hate you”, she whispered. “I hate you so much. Telling me not worry while you go off to die. We still have unfinished business Ruka.” His name was said like curse. “I hate you”, she whispered again, harsher and almost cold.

She released his hand and stood up. It was starting to rain outside. She shook her head in disgust. It always seemed to rain when she refused to cry, as if the sky felt the need to release the pain for her. She was ready to walk out of the room when she heard a faint whimper from the bed. She spun around. Shock over taking her body as his eyes began to open. She called for the nurse with authority. It was not the voice of someone surprised by, what the nurses were calling, a miracle. Juri didn’t hear them. Her attention was on the young man in the bed. The boy seemed to be calling to her with his eyes. Begging and pleading for something she just could not give. Her eyes shut and she shook her head, denying whatever it was he was requesting. She slipped away as the room was suddenly over run by doctors, nurses, and random family members. Her footsteps echoed down the hospital corridors and she had to stop to keep her heart from exploding in her chest. When her heartbeat finally slowed she nearly burst out of the doors into the cool embrace of the sudden down pouring rain.

Angels don’t fly they have no wings
It’s just another of those things
That we make up
That we believe
The real thing is not we conceive

You don’t know
I won’t let you see me….

His parents were gracious about it. They never asked and he wished they had. He wished someone would just say, “What happened to that beautiful young lady who visited you everyday while you slept?” But no one ever did. They were all silent, perhaps not wanting to upset him. He sat up in the bed and brushed his hair out of his face. His eyes wandered to the window. It was still raining very hard. He huffed and then smirked a bit.

“I think I made a mistake”, he muttered aloud.

“What’s that dear”, his mother asked graciously.

He sighed. “Nothing.”

It was his fault for the way she felt. He could take all the blame for it. He could bare her insults and even her fists pounding into him if he had to, because he didn’t handle things well at all. Another sigh escaped his lips. He didn’t have much choice though. He was dying. If he hadn’t forced her to fight and made her see just what a sour choice Shiori was…he would never have had a chance. He wanted to free her from everything that bound her. From all those emotions she refused to let go of and ate her alive. She once had a great spirit, and it was still possible for her to regain it. He wondered if losing the locket would help her at all. Still, regret lingered in his mind. He should have never forced that kiss on her…he should have told her sooner that she was the only star in the sky to him. She was the only thing worth wishing for. But he knew her better than that. He could read her, though he pretended he could not. It was difficult to see through her barriers, the great walls she built around her heart. Strong fortresses to keep her safe from the things that made her weak. He shook his head a bit…No not things… only one person made her weak. Only one person crushed her heart and made her bleed. That cruel little girl was not even worth a millimeter of Juri’s wealth. He tried not to brood though. He tried not to think about it very long. But he wished… he wished she would come and see him. Wished she would talk to him or yell, or smack him instead of just ignoring him… making him wonder…if she could ever love him.

You don’t know
I won’t let you see me
I will hide
I will lie
As true as can be
You just don’t have what it would take
To be a part of me

His stomach grumbled as he picked at the toxic looking hospital food. He forced himself to eat though. The doctors worried when he didn’t eat. He didn’t even hear her light and nimble steps down the hallway, and he looked surprised when he saw her standing beside him.

“Arisugawa?” He questioned softly.

“I thought we were past formalities”, she asked coolly, almost stern. She sat lightly in a chair and crossed her legs. Her eyes seemed to itch with emotion.

He couldn’t find the right words to speak, but he tried his best. “Why’d you come”, it was choked out rather glibly, almost an insult. He shook his head in regret.

“Why do we always have to argue?”

“We don’t.”

“But our conversations always seem to start that way. I’m cold, then you’re defensive and harsh…or vice versa. Ever since I joined the fencing club it’s been that way.” Still she was cool. She nearly bit her tongue to stop herself. Silence engulfed the room. “You look weak”, she whispered.

“I never had any hope that I would recover”, he replied. “I just manage to prolong the inevitable.”

She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

“You visited me everyday.”


“The nurses told me”; he lied, trying to soften his tone. The nurses never said a word, but he knew…he knew she was there watching him, waiting for him to wake. She was the first and only thing he remembered seeing upon waking. “You came to see me every day when I was in the coma.”


“So why’d you come?”

The darkest side with holds the light
The light that shines you can’t deny it

Her focus slipped to the ground and an unfocused hand scurried to reach something that no longer existed. “Does it matter why?”


Silence again, long and harsh like lightening ready to strike. Suddenly it erupted.

“I hate you”, she whispered softly.

“For what?”

He looked at her eyes. They seemed almost as blue as his.

“For making me feel this way”, she confessed without warning. “I hate your stupid plots, and devious last minute attempts to let me know…”

“Had I known another way-“

“Oh God don’t apologize Ruka…I don’t need it.”

“Well…What do you need?”

You’ll never have just what it takes
To be a part of me…

“Her”, she almost said it too softly to be heard. “I’ll never have that.”

“No”, it was almost a question. “I won’t either I guess.”

“No”, it wasn’t a question. It was a solid answer.

He shook his head and sighed. “Don’t worry about it then.”


“Don’t worry. Let it alone.”


“You won’t…I know you.” He started to cough a bit. After he regained himself he looked over at her and could feel her concern.

I will hide I will lie
As true as can be…

“You don’t know”, she stated.

“Okay then…maybe I don’t.” His voice was a bit scratchy from coughing. He took the time that lingered in, yet another, wave of silence to push his food tray away.

She stood up. At first he was afraid she was leaving but then he realized she was getting closer. Her lips were dangerously close to his ear. Her breath was sweet and warm on his skin. Did she mean to torture him so?

“Don’t waste your last breath wishing for me”, she whispered and returned to her seat.

“I can’t promise that.”

She huffed again, or maybe it was a weary sigh. “I’m not worth the effort.”

“So you always say.” His heart was far from breaking, but hers… He could swear it was skipping beats. He stopped himself from shaking his head.

“I’ll never understand why”, she whispered.



“I’ll never understand why you love her either. She’s all lies and heartache…you don’t belong to that.”

Juri didn’t have an answer to that. “I have to go.” She stood up.

“Before you leave”, he asked softly. “Why’d you come today? You never did answer that first question.”

“To see”, was all she answered. She stepped out of the room.

Everything was gray and damp. A chill of winter that seemed too early was whipping around biting at her pale skin. Her long tresses were caught in the pull of the wind and her eyes found it impossible to hide what she was feeling. The funeral flowers were fading into nothing, and the gravestone seemed already worn. She pulled a gloved hand from her trench coat, clutching desperately at some spry silver trinket. She was fighting something deep. Something she just couldn’t keep holding on to. The beginnings of tears slid down her cheek icy and cold, but they were soon warm…streaming. She fell to her knees as she prevented herself from sobbing out loud. Her fist hit the wet ground all violence and anger.

“I hate you Ruka.” The words slipped from her mouth softly. “I hate you for leaving like this…and making me feel. Making me cry…I hate you.” A long sigh escaped her as her tears refused to give up. “Why do I have to miss you? Why do I have to love you too? And too late?” She threw the silver thing in her hand at the headstone. Through her tears she huffed. “Don’t get any ideas…it’s not like that”, she told the empty sky. She sniffed and then her sadness engulfed her again. She sat for hours crying and cursing him. Whispering I-hate-yous and I-love-yous all in one breath. Finally she stood up, silver streams still running down her face. She bent down and picked up the silver thing and clicked it open. She stared at it for a long time before clicking it shut and setting it neatly on the grass. “Don’t worry…huh? Thank you for the thought.” She walked away slowly. Before she exited the cemetery she threw a crumpled piece of paper into a trash can.

Dear Juri,

Here is something I hope you never wear. But it seemed to me that you might need it. I found two excellent pictures to place in it…one of her… and one of you. It was always the greatness of your soul that made me weak. I mention it because I heard something in the tone of your voice and saw something in the color of your eyes when you last visited…that I know you never meant me to see. Don’t worry…don’t worry Juri…It’ll all be all right. It’s fine.

No apologies… many regrets,