"It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?"
--Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know"
The blinds are closed. The world outside of this room is no longer real.
The last few days have been composed solely of forms, sequences, swords, blinding rage. I haven't seen the sun in three days. I'm only safe in the shadows these days. I'm drenched in sweat, coughing, panting, aching--I haven't eaten in while either. I feel weak, but not soothed in the slightest.
Himemiya. The liar.
Don't abuse the bride, Saionji. Touga, that smug bastard. But he doesn't understand about Anthy. He's never possessed the Rose Bride, so he doesn't understand that I only hit her in self defense.
I think she liked it. Provoking me, I mean--I can't explain it satisfactorily, but somehow she knew how to push me just far enough for me lose my temper. I can tell because she never, ever reacts...but sometimes, sometimes I can feel an air of self satisfaction radiating from her. She would tell me she loved me, but I knew it wasn't true; she was warm flesh with an icy interior and could drive me insane without having to really try. I think she liked getting me to ride the edge of my sanity, waiting until someone beat me and she could push me over.
I can see her every Saturday, walking calmly past the windows toward that damned tower. Every week during our engagement she goes there to see her brother, and I would wonder angrily what she was up to, why she couldn't see him during the day like a normal sibling.
Then again, nothing about her is normal.
But now I can see her trailing that wretched tomboy around Utena, following her like some sort of pet. I think of her perfect body and smooth skin, under those calloused, uncultured hands; her beautiful lips pressed on cheeks red with the nervous inexperience of innocence, and I wonder if she ever misses me.
That, I believe, is the real trouble with falling in love with a possession. When you lose it, it won't miss you at all, so the loss will pain you enough to make up for that. If there is a finite amount of misery in existence in the world, I fear I may be compensating for her and half of the academy.
Only one thought soothes me during these dark days--someday, very soon, one of us will knock that obnoxious little bitch down and take her precious flower from her. She'll scream and she'll cry, and she'll hide in her room for days on end, and she'll rant and she'll rave, and I'll be a happier person for it.
There was a knock at the door yesterday; the student council sent Kaoru, oddly enough. He's never liked me, because I am so impulsive, and he is so very fond of the Rose Bride.
"Go away," was all I could say.
"Are you quite alright?" he asked.
I couldn't answer him. I was too distracted by his presence. Why not send Juri, our unofficial information officer?
Simple. Miki is quiet, inoffensive. Juri would probably have told me to stop whining and challenge her again if I was so bothered by the outcome of the duel.
That was when I decided I would. I wanted very badly to be the one to pull the rug from under Tenjou's feet.
Inoffensive as he was, I wanted to slap Kaoru. These were not the affairs of a child--none of these were. He has no place on the council. But I said nothing. After a few moments his stopwatch clicked and I heard the door close.
Little twit. None of them understand a thing. To them, I was just brooding. They thought I was just a violent, angry prick locked away in his room. They didn't hear her swear to love me, to show that love by giving me eternity!
I'm reading over our exchange diary, wondering how I could have been so goddamn blind. I see it now--any time she was affectionate at all, she used my words, even exact phrases from the entries before it.
Damn her! Damn her to hell!
...and damn me, too.