Shining Monarch

E. Michelle Logan

You’re such a benevolent ruler.

“Ne, Himemiya,” you said earlier tonight, “Let me do the dishes.” You took the white rag off my head that held back my hair and placed it over your own hair before starting to diligently scrub away at the day’s dishes, grimacing at the thickly-coated lasagna serving dish and grinning at the bowls with little puddles of colored water in them. “At least the shaved ice is easy to clean up.” You laughed. I moved across the leaf-decorated white tile floor to stand in the doorway so you would have plenty of room to work, and so I could watch you.

ChuChu fell into the sink a few minutes later as he scouted the countertop for crumbs, unattended leftovers and other culinary delights. You calmly scooped him out of the foamy water and used a wet dishrag to wash the soap from his eyes. As you wiped away his tears, you laughed and smiled at him.

“So you want to help, ChuChu?” You asked him and placed him on your shoulder. He chittered at you quietly and played with your hair until you drew your hands out of the soapy water and caught him just before he burrowed completely behind the cloth holding back your hair.

“Ne, ChuChu what do you want?” You held him in one hand and poked his chin with the other. He grabbed your finger with a tiny paw and smiled. “Are you still hungry?” You pulled your finger out of ChuChu’s grip and snatched a morsel of lasagna off of one of the dirty plates littering the counter. ChuChu greedily gulped down the food, and, as usual, you just laughed.

I hate the idea of interrupting you now, but I so want to be a part of your laughter, the recipient of your smile.

“Utena-sama?”

“Hai, Himemiya?” You and ChuChu look up at me.

“Chu?” ChuChu smiles at me, waving his greasy little paws in the air.

I want to say so much to you; I want to tell you how much I love you, how much I long for you, how much I...I...I

“I’ll finish the dishes.” I say.

You seem confused, or maybe disappointed. Do you know that I want to say so much more?

We stare at each other for a moment, you cradling ChuChu next to your chest, me standing in the doorway between the hall and kitchen, between returning and ruining. I open my mouth to speak again, but ChuChu grabs one of your breasts with his greasy paws and you pull him away from your uniform with a yelp.

“ChuChu, you got grease stains on my uniform!” You shout. My little monkey begins to cry with fear as you scold him. “Himemiya, I’m going to go clean ChuChu and myself up,” You say.

“...Hai,” I respond with my normal bright smile, the expression of a porcelain doll. Sometimes I wish I was a porcelain doll. Then you would hold me in your arms without thought. Other times I wish to be more than a doll; wish for the ability to walk up to you and whisper softly into your ear, ‘I love you.’

“Ne, Himemiya, is something wrong?” You stop next to me in the doorway and lean against the other side. I catch a brief whiff of your light perfume as you stand there, our faces mere inches apart. “Himemiya?”

“Hai, Utena-sama?” I try not to sound like I’ve woken up out of a trance too much, such an intoxicating scent. You smile widely despite ChuChu stamping more grease prints onto your chest.

“I already told you; I’ll do the dishes tonight.” Your insistence makes me smile and my feelings for you again bloom. My hands have started trembling from the power of my emotion. I wonder if you notice. I clench my hands.

“Utena-sama, I...” My voice fails me again and my fingers unclench.

“Hai, Himemiya?” You coax gently.

“Arigato gozaimashita,” I say sedately. I want to hug you, kiss you, love you for your kindness. Why can’t I be as bold and strong as you are?

You’re such a brave and shining monarch.

You offer me one more smile before turning away with ChuChu peeking out from your folded arms.

“...such a benevolent ruler, Utena-sama. Arigato.”