You know what? I hate html.I wish I was doing almost anything else.Like getting laid. I could be having sex right now, but noooo.I watched Utena lose her virginity again this weekend.That scene is so hot.The fine line between obsession and madness is... what was I saying?GIRL ON GIRL ACTION!!!I want that outfit. I like red and black. What a surprise.This layout took forever to get just right. But that was because I took so many breaks.I never ate glue in kindergarten. Hard to tell, huh?Gio keeps talking about food. What a bitch.LEGS.See, I'm being productive. Now if only I could do this at work, where productive is just a dream...GODDAMMIT STOP TALKING ABOUT FOODYou know, those are the only important things in life. Food, sex, and sleep.Everything else is just window dressing.I have to clean my house still. That sucks.I hate cleaning. I should buy maids.I want to go to a museum, but I don't want to get out of my jammies.I suck at being energetic.Funny, you don't look Druish.


The Akio Car Saga - Chapter One
The Akio Car Goes Moral


    Author's note: This is a product of me and my friend and a day of painting in which we had nothing to talk about but what Juri and Saionji's kids would look like. I promise to make this only vaguely lemon flavored.. Like lemonade. Anyway.. I'm fairly sure that I don't have any license to any of the Shoujo Kakumei Utena Characters.. Unless, of course, I have some Japanese relatives that I don't know about.. And with my Aunt.. I don't think that's possible. So. Please don't steal this, because if you do. I'll run you over with the Akio-car.. And that's just not pretty.


The dark interior of the Ohtori garage hollowly echoed with the sounds of the radio.

"Takai sora o, tori ni natte tobitai… Haruka to-" Megumi's voice blasted. The radio station switched, "And here we are talking with Fujitaka Kinomoto, the expert on this kind of phenomena…. (static) Hello, I'm Doctor Laura, my number is one-eight-hundred-de, ar, el, ay, yu, ar, ay.. And we're talking to Jimmy Bob, from Texas.. Jimmy Bob.. What's your story?

*Wow.. I didn't know you could get American radio stations this far out…* Thought the listener. The caller went on, in a voice that was weepy and guilty all at the same time.

"Dr.. Laura.. We.. I mean I have a son.." Dr. Laura sighed..

"Let me guess… You aren't married to this woman.."


"This is what's wrong with society today.. People don't want to take responsibility for their actions.. I am deeply sickened by you, Jimmy Bob.."

"Well, yes, but, er, you see, we're having a wedding.."

"Oh, and you think that makes it all better, huh? Well, it don't.. People these days having sex with numerous anonymous partners.. it wasn't like this when I was young, that's for sure! And with the new inventions that are coming around, birth control and such.. I heard that a man in Japan invented a birth control machine in a car, so that anytime he had sex in his car, he wouldn't have to worry.. HUH! I wouldn't be surprised if there was an override that made people pregnant no matter what! HUH!"

"But.. Um, Dr. Laura."

"You sicken me Jimmy Bob.. Let's take another caller.." The listener switched the radio off..

*Hmmm… That crazy American woman is right.. There's no reason for people to be randomly having sex.. Well. Even though that's what I'm sort of here for… I've had a change of heart! I'm going to show all those people.. That's right.. They'll learn the error of their ways.. Heh heh heh.. * The Akio car pulled out of the driveway, door obediently rising to allow it through. The figure in bed detangled itself from the sheets, and ran over to the window..

"WHAT?" He said, "Where are you going??" The horn honked twice, assertively. The figure growled, and threw on a robe, running down the stairs, "GET BACK HERE!" he shouted, shaking his fist. The horn honked. A solemn and dark figure strode out.

"Onii-sama…." She asked.

"What." He said pissily.

"Was the Akio-car listening to American Radio again?"

"I assume so." Akio answered.

Deep in the dark, and scary night.. Ok, so there were streetlights, but it was still dark and scary.. And near a car that was softly idling with its headlights turned off, two solemn figures walked. Ok, so they weren't too solemn..

"Did I ever tell you about that time she came over to study with us, and…" Miki said. Juri laughed.

"Yeah.. Snails, Mongoose, Octopus.. She seems to have the worst luck with those animals.." she said, "Did I ever tell you about the egg??" she asked, laughing.. Miki giggled.

"No, I heard about that one on my own. Oh, Nanami-kun, you never cease to amuse us!" He said, and that caused them to burst into even more fervent laughter. Juri smiled,

"Miki, don't be too mean to her.. I mean.. she's allowed to be a little screwed up.. Touga is her brother.." She said, laughing, but Miki wasn't laughing any longer.. He looked a little worried, "Miki-kun?"

"Hey." Miki said, "Did you hear something, Juri-sempai?"

"No…" She said, shrugging. Miki looked nervous.

"I don't know… I think something's wrong." Juri shrugged.

"I haven't heard anythi.. AH!" Juri said, as a figure burst out from the bushes, and Miki yelped and jumped up on her. The figure who had leapt out of the bushes looked up.

"Oh, Hi Mickey, Juri-sempai…" Utena said. Juri sighed.

"Oh, It's just you, Ten'jou…" Juri said. Her eyes narrowed, "Miki, get off me." she said. Miki blushed..

"Oh, of course.." he said, blushing.. Utena blinked.

"Have you guys seen Anthy?" she asked sheepishly. Juri and Miki exchanged glances. Then they looked at Utena.

"We just saw her on the road to the Dean's place." Juri said. Miki nodded.

"Yeah.. I was gonna say hi, but she seemed to be in a hurry." He said. Utena nodded.

"Yeah, I've always wondered what she does there." She said thoughtfully.

"Dios only knows…" Juri said dryly.

"Very funny, Arisugawa-kun." Said a mysterious figure.

"-Kun?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. The figure stepped into the light.

"Fine. Arisugawa-san, then." He said. Utena blinked.

"Saionji? What are you doing here?" she said. Saionji scoffed.

"I was looking for Anthy, but when I arrived at that dorm of yours, there was nothing there but that creature. Despicable thing." He said, "I decided to look for her." He said. Utena nodded.

"Well, she's at the dean's." she said. Saionji sighed.

"I gathered that, Utena Ten'jou." He said, "Wait.. What's that?" he said, whirling. A little ways up the road, a couple of headlights had flashed on. Saionji barely had the time to squeak out, "Oh.. Shit.." when the engine turned on. Utena blanched.

"Run!" she shouted. They tried to run, but it was too late… The Akio car can go from zero to orgy in less than sixty seconds. They only succeeded in splitting up into couples. Miki and Utena ran one way, and Saionji and Juri went the other. If the Akio car could have smiled, it would have. Utena and Miki only had enough time for their eyes to widen, and their pupils to shrink. The car slammed right into them, and they both rolled over the windshield and into the front seat. Of course, just as fast as the car had started up, it engaged its people bumper, a large foam bumper right across the front of it that looked much like a cow catcher, and retracted its gear shift.. No one likes a gear shift in the back. They landed with a soft thump in the front seat. Miki panted, and curled around his hurting side. Just as suddenly, the pain dissolved. He realized after a moment, that he was lying on top of Utena. He turned his face to her. And for a moment, they just stared into each other's eyes. Just then, a deep purple light clicked on, on the dash. It seemed to swirl with deeper colors, and flash menacingly. Then the same light flashed in both Utena and Miki's eyes, and they smiled. Their smiles dissolved as they started to suck face.. And damn.. Did they suck face.

Meanwhile, Saionji's eyes were wide with fear. Someone got run over by a car! People don't just get RUN OVER by cars at Ohtori! That's a really really sucky way to die. People died at Ohtori in fires, or from diseases, or sword wounds. They didn't just get RUN OVER BY CARS! That was just not cricket! And as these indignant thoughts were percolating through Saionji's curly-topped head.. Juri was panicking.. All she knew was..

1. The Akio car had just run over Miki and Utena, and they were now in the front seat, looking very vivacious.

2. The Akio car was now driving down the street at breakneck speed.

3. The Akio car was now skidding, and making a U-turn, and heading straight back the way it came.

4. The Akio car… was now heading straight for her and Saionji, and the people bumper was still engaged.

5. All that added up to this: RUN AWAY VERY VERY QUICKLY!

Now.. Before Thought Number 5 had made it even two layers into Juri's curly orange hair, the car had gotten too close for her to do anything. She glanced at Saionji. They both knew what was going to happen, and in that split-second before they were hit, they made their apologies.. Not like it was going to help in the end.. But their apologies went something like this..

Juri: You know I hate you.

Saionji: Yeah.. I hate you too.

Juri: You know what's gonna happen.

Saionji: Yeah. Hey. I'm sorry.

Juri: Me too… But you know who's gonna be sorrier?

Saionji: Who?

Juri: The Rijichou.

Saionji: Yeah… Heh.

That, of course, was their psychic discussion in the split-second before they were hit. First.. Saionji rolled over.. And at the speed the car was going, he thumped into the back seat, face down, with a slap! He lifted his head up with an..

"Ohhhh…" and that, of course, was the moment that Juri chose to land on top of him. He coughed, and then the light flared in his eyes, and he flipped over. Juri smiled as the same light flared in her eyes as well. You see, that was the super-hornifying power of the Akio-Car at its ultimate. In the deepest depths of the Akio-car came a sound incredibly like evil laughter.

Well while all that was happening, there were more people looking for Anthy. Or something.

"Mikage!" Nanami said, "I mean, Souji-sempai, what are you doing here!?" Mikage blinked.

"Kiryuu-kun." He said mildly, "I was just searching for.. a friend."

"Mamiya-kun is missing?" she asked, "That's strange." She said, crossing her arms. Mikage shook his head.

"Not really.. he seems to disappear a lot. But why are you out here. It's rather late." He said. Nanami blinked.

"Oh, that.. I was looking for.. Tsuwabuki.. He went off somewhere." She said uncertainly. Mikage nodded. He looked up at the dark skies.. Just then, a dark figure stepped up that looked so cool that he should have been smoking a cigarette. A really cold cigarette. Nanami's eyes went all wide.

"Onii-sama!" she shouted happily, "What are you doing out here?" Touga blinked. He smiled in his superior manner.

"I was looking for Kozue. We had some… business together." He said. At that point, if he had a cigarette, he would have flicked it down to the ground and smashed it with a twist of his heel. Of course. He didn't have a cigarette, he didn't smoke, so he just flicked his wrist down in a manner that looked way cooler than it should have. Nanami's eyes sparkled. Touga then looked at Mikage with a glare that was as ashen as the cigarette that he didn't just smash, "Hello Nemuro." He said. Mikage replied guardedly,

"Hello Kiryuu." Nanami blinked from Mikage to Touga, Touga to Mikage, and shrugged. Very interesting, isn't it? Well it will be once we add..

"Kyouichi?" Wakaba said, emerging from the bushes. Touga turned. Wakaba's face soured, "Oh, it's you, eh?" she said. Touga sighed.

"Saionji's little playmate," Touga said. Wakaba regained her genkiness rather quickly however. She clapped her hands together.

"Has anyone seen Saionji? There you are Professor Nemuro! Have you found Mamiya?" she asked. Mikage shook his head. Nanami blinked, and thought about it.

"Saionji? No. Not lately." She replied. Wakaba shrugged, and then decided to help Mikage give Touga evil looks.

Meanwhile, the 'business' that Utena, Miki, Juri, and Saionji unwillingly had with each other was finished. The Akio-Car, being the gracious automobile that it was, dropped them each off at their dorms, and they all went to bed, preferring to forget the little thing that just happened. The evil laughter once again came from the interior of the car.

*Now for some more fun* A red light on the map of Ohtori lit on the dash. *There he is.. He deserves to be paid back more than anyone else.* The car thought. It stalked off into the night, giggling softly.

Touga shifted his hips.. He had just had a feeling like some unnamed cosmic force was out to get him. (Her name is Author) He glanced at the genki brown-haired girl, and the dead-eyed computer-like man.

"Can you not do that?" he asked. Wakaba and Mikage sighed.

"Ne, Nanami?" Wakaba said, "What are you doing out here so late?" Nanami shifted uncomfortably.

"I was looking for Mitsuru.." she said. Wakaba brightened,

"Oh, Tsuwabuki-kun? He's over at the Nemuro hall for the first annual Kuro Bara Tea Party. That's what I was doing. And then I got lonely, and well.. But Keiko, Shiori, Kozue, Kanae, and Mitsuru are still there." She said, shrugging.

Where Keiko, Shiori, Kozue, Kanae, and Mitsuru were…

"Could you pass the sugar?" Kanae asked. Keiko complied. Shori sighed,

"It's kind of nice to be here.. This tea sure is relaxing." She said, "And it's nice to be away from all those things that bother me." she said. The other three raised their eyebrows, but shrugged. Mitsuru sipped his tea, then put it down and leaned forward on the table. He smiled.

"You guys do know that lots of people died here, long ago." He said. Keiko blinked.

"Yeah, I heard that story.." she said, "What about it?" Kanae nodded.

"Long long ago.. In a galaxy far far away.." she murmured, "There lived a man named Nemuro.."

Meanwhile, Nanami smiled.

"Oh, good.. That solves my problem. I wanted to drink some tea, anyway…" She said brightly, and started on the path. Wakaba smiled,

"I ought to go too." She said, "It looks like Kyouichi isn't around." She said. She joined Nanami on the path. Just then Touga stood stock straight.

"Oh shit…" he murmured. Mikage raised an eyebrow.

"What.." he started, until he saw the headlights flick on, a good mile down the road. He blinked, "Uh, oh.." he said. Nanami and Wakaba blinked confusedly, until they realized that there was a car heading straight for them at unknown speeds. The next scene seemed to be in slow motion. Nanami looked left, looked right, and then looked forward. Her mouth opened, and she breathed in deeply.

"ONIII-SAMA!!!!!!" she screamed. Touga looked up. He bit his lip.

"My sister!" he shouted. Mikage blinked at Wakaba.

"My duellist!" he said. Touga gave him a split-second look, that said, 'Didn't you burn up a hundred of your duellists?' And Mikage shrugged. Both of them lurched forward into the road, and the path of the car. They.. However.. lurched for the wrong person (Thankfully.. Incest fics disgust me) It was only a matter of moments before Mikage and Nanami had rolled over.. And so had Touga and Wakaba. Once again, the purple light lit, and the fun had begun.

Meanwhile, not too far away..

"Ca-ar!!" Akio called, "Car! Dammit, you stupid car, get back here!" he called, in his silken robe, brandishing a flashlight. Anthy walked up to him, and bit her lip.

"Onii-sama.. I don't think he's coming back for a while.." she said. Akio swore.

"I know! That stupid car, next time I'm tearing the radio out!" he said. Anthy sighed.

"Well, onii-sama… I suppose we'll just have to go back to what we were doing." She said. Akio sighed mournfully.

"I know. It's just not the same." He said mournfully. Anthy patted her brother on the shoulders.

"Maybe I can find some way to cheer you up…" she said. Akio smiled in his normal Akio way.

"I know exactly what you can do…" he said.

A little bit later…

"OH ANTHY!!" Akio shouted. Anthy merely smiled.

"Yes, Onii-sama?" she said. Akio grinned.

"This is the best shaved ice you've ever made!" he said. Anthy smiled.

"It's curry flavored!" she said. Akio smiled.

"Well, that explains it." He said, taking another big bite.

Ok…. We shall leave that incredibly disturbing scene behind, and return to the so-called 'action' (Cut me a break, I suck at lemons! It helps that I never tried one…. Urg… wait, that first sentence sounds incredibly perverted in more than one way… Let's just go back to the damn story)

Outside the building that was supposed to be Nemuro hall, but was really a burned out husk, except it wasn't….

"We'll have to do that again someday. It was very pleasant." Keiko said cordially, with a smile.

"Of course." Kanae said, "But I haven't any more time to stay here," she said, "I must go back to my dear Akio-sama…" she said, slipping away into the night. All the rest waved, unaware of the fate that would soon befall them.

Not far away, the Akio-car WAS aware of the fate that was to befall them. Having dropped off his passengers after many much smaller passengers had made the infinitely long (to them) trip to their final absolute apocalypse destiny, he was on the road for another full load of these passengers. The first ones, not the second ones. Or…wait… both.. Hm… Never mind.

Anyway, Keiko and Kozue and Shiori and Mitsuru stood chatting amiably, still unaware, though for some reason Kozue's spidey-sense was tingling. Or perhaps it was a sense of another kind, with another name starting with S.

"So anyway, the best way to make them is to brush them with a little tofu before you cook them, then you get the true flavor out of the chicken broth, and the dumplings don't dry out when you cook them the first time. They turn all flat and soggy in the soup if you do that." Mitsuru was explaining.

"Oh, I see. So you don't put them in the saucepan after you soak them the first time?" Shiori asked.

Mitsuru shook his head, "Of course not, you have to fry them in the oil from the chicken skins. I find it best if you mix in a little olive oil, to give it more substance." And now, since the author has no idea what she's talking about, and is just making this incredibly complicated recipe up as she goes, Kozue is going to say something.

"Something's wrong…" she said.

"What do you mean?" Keiko asked.

"This isn't the right time for that to be around. This isn't right at all…" she murmured.

"What's not right?" Shiori asked. But before Kozue could even make an explanatory reference to her promiscuity, two headlights clicked on, and then rushed them. Being the pawns that they were, they didn't think twice about giving the car a deer-in-the-headlights stare. The car made a sound not unlike laughter, and there were four more thumps in the leather interior.

Not too long of a time later, as Utena, Miki, Juri, Saionji, Touga, Mikage, Nanami, Wakaba, Keiko, Kozue, Mitsuru, and Shiori all tossed uncomfortably in their beds, Akio heard a familiar sound. He dropped his spoon in surprise.

"Car!" he said with love in his voice. He ran down the stairs, not bothering to hold his robe closed as it fluttered around his legs, I mean, most everyone's seen it before. He leapt upon his car with possessive fury. Anthy followed him down the stairs demurely, smiling a little at her brother's enthusiasm.

When she reached the front of the house, he was stroking the red chrome and mumbling, "Yes, you're my baby… and even though other people were having sex in you without me, you still love me best, don't you.. Yes you do!" he said. The car was purring.

"What has he been doing?" Anthy asked, crossing her arms.

Akio listened intently, "He says he's been teaching some people a lesson…" he said, puzzled, "What could that mean?" he asked her. Anthy frowned.

"Hm… I don't know.." she murmured thoughtfully.

"I guess we'll eventually find out. I am the dean.. There's really nothing I don't know about in the student body." Akio said, his tone still a little worried.

"That's true," Anthy agreed, "Like the time Kozue was having a tough time.. And you sent her that cream, or when Touga needed a little help and you gave him those little blue pills.." she said.

Akio nodded, "Poor boy, overworked himself." He said sympathetically.

"Lucky you never need em, onii-sama." Anthy said.

"That's true, I'm as robust as the day I was godified.." He said, grinning, "Speaking of which… Why don't we park this car.. and…" he said, a lecherous glint in his eye. Anthy just smiled.. The author gagged and choked and nearly died, screaming, 'Incest! Incest, O ew!!! This isn't a V.C. Andrews novel or Ute…. Oh, wait, it is… ::shrug::'

The car was parked, and sat idling happily, the familiar sounds of Anthy and Akio cavorting in the back soothing it. It vaguely wondered why it had gone off on such a rampage then, but did the car equivalent of a shrug. After all, there wouldn't be any long-term effects…. For it, anyway… It frowned for a moment, trying to remember a switch it had flipped, but it seemed that in a non-angry state, the switch was inaccessible to it. It was off now, anyway. The car settled down into sleep, not worrying at all about itself or others. It was, after all, a car. But not too far away, five people sat up in their beds in shock, and then lay back down again, reluctantly. For a moment, each of them had felt as if some impenetrable force was just building, and soon would explode in their faces…. But for now, they didn't know what to do about it, and so settled back into sleep. Little did they know that it would be impossible to forget the happenings of that night….

   The End… Or is it?
   (The answer is no, it's not. Read the next one..)