Confession: Part One
These characters are not mine and I'm not making
any money off this. We've all read the nicely written S/T fics
where Saionji represses some lust for Touga. So I thought I'd
write something a little different.
I've known for quite some time that if you feel too strongly about anything it will rule you, eventually betray you. If you want to succeed, you must be the master of yourself and everyone around you.
That's why I despise you. I can control you just as easily as anyone, Kyouichi. Truthfully, even more so than other people, for you are so easy to manipulate, so easy to sway. You emotions allow this to happen. You know better, Kyouichi. You always know what's happening and yet you still willfully walk into the trap time and time again. You cannot control your anger, your passion, or your pride. If you just had a sliver of control, I would see you as an equal. You would be formidable. No one could sway you because your instincts wouldn't allow it.
Yet, in spite of all your faults, your rashness, your passion, your emotions, you are the better man. I can control you but I cannot control what you do to my heart. I've known you for so long. I know what you were like before the girl in the coffin. When I met you, we were both seven years old. Even then, I noticed how pretty you were. You were pale like me and your hair was wavy as much as mine was straight. I wanted to touch it and feel how silky it was and then look into your eyes. What was even better was that you had something that I couldn't name at first, something that made your mouth soft and your eyes shine. It made you look so sweet, complimenting your already ethereal beauty, enhancing it.
We became best friends. How could we not? We complimented each other. We belonged to each other. Not you to me but to each other. But I wanted you to belong to me even then. I didn't want anyone controlling me and that was before I learned control my emotions.
Then I realized what was increasing your beauty and that it was something that I didn't have. You had innocence. It made you purer than I was, more…princely. And you didn't even realize it. I don't think you remember it even now. If I hadn't lost my family and then gained another when I was old enough to remember it, I might have been just as princely as you were. It was your purity that let you creep into my heart.
But I knew that if I could ever hope to have you as my own, I would have to dominate you. If I didn't, you would have too strong a hold on my heart, you would overtake me. And so I bested you at everything I could, even the things that mattered the most to you like Kendo. I wanted to show you who was the strong one in our relationship, who had the control. I even tried (and still try) to be the prince that you were even though I couldn't get it quite right; no matter how many girls I told that I was chivalrous and no matter how strong I was.
As we grew older, I began to resent your innocence, that very thing which initially endeared you to me. I was the better man at everything we did and yet you still had that power over me, no matter how much I proved myself the stronger one, no matter how untouchable I was. But then something happened. You began to resent me. Me, for beating you at everything while you were the one who didn't want to leave that girl in her coffin. What could have possibly accounted for this change in our situation?
When this dance of conflict began, you stopped being so princely and your innocence slowly crumbled. I should feel that I've won. How could anything you do possibly affect me now? But I remember Kyouichi, I remember your sweetness and I…..don't dare to mistake it for wanting you. I hate it. You always make me weak. Your spell is as poisonous as anything Akio or your precious Anshii could weave. And to top it all off, you actually accuse me of never loving anyone.
But there is Utena. She's just as you once were. But unlike you, I think I could have her. All I have to do is undermine her a bit and she'll be mine. I'll break your spell; I'll be free of you. Then Kyouichi, I will have the power of revolution and I will finally have control. I will be the better man, for I won't need anyone least of all someone as weak as you. And you will never know that it wasn't always that way.