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Confession: Part Two
Selenite
I don't own these characters and I'm not making one red cent off this. I thought that this story would simply be a one shot but one review managed to convince me otherwise. I don't think that there will be another installment.
He took you right in front of me just as he did her. After all the things I've done to hurt you, to destroy your innocence over the years, I don't think I will ever recover from what he did to you. No, he did it to both of us.
I had you sent away from here, manipulated and had you expelled just to prove to myself how little I needed you. You were supposed to be merely a pawn that got in the way of what I truly wanted, which had nothing to do with friendship. That's what I wanted you to be. Yet when I was finally poised to take Utena and the Rose Bride in one sweep of the blade, I lost. And you weren't there.
I told myself that it had everything to do with her and to do with nothing to do with you. But I still lost. For so long I couldn't bear the implication of that failure and what it meant. It should have had nothing at all to do with you, Kyouichi. You were gone. I didn't want even to even think of you, wonder where you were and what you were doing. You were inconsequential. But I did think of you along with Utena and how I lost to her. It was then that I heard that you had come back and damned if I would let you see me like this, weak and unsure. Eventually I came back too, for I had to.
The game was closing, the duels were ending. But
I still had one final duel against Utena. After all my attempts to
make her into a normal, conquerable girl and one night of unmasked
vulnerability, I lost her. The End of the World took her from me.
At that very same time, we became close again. You were still sullen
and angry and I was still thinking of her and revolution and yet….we
were together. Were we really recapturing some of the bond of our
long ago? Truthfully, I only came back to you because he said it was
alright. It was supposed to be just part
of the game. "It's alright isn't it? Be nice to your friend." I had
laughed and something about him being evil. I should have realized
that he had something planned. His games were always far beyond mine.
You received me with distrust and resentfulness. This intrigued me since you weren't nearly so resentful about losing to Utena for the third time. Just days later you were merrily camping your heart out in the forest. It actually hurt me a bit that you didn't welcome me with open arms. That it hurt me was also infuriating. I was there out of no concern for your well being, intending to use you yet again and you still could this to me.
You asked me questions about Akio and Anshii, not
really expecting any truthful answers. But I gave you the truth. Why
shouldn't I? You already knew the truth, the End of the World. What
was to be gained by keeping you in the dark? Yet, you received each
answer with a shrug signifying that you didn't believe me. This wounded
me even more. Then you asked the most difficult questions, the ones
about me. You wanted to know how long I've been serving the End of
the World (funny, I didn't think of it that way at the time), what
I planned to do with Utena, and what did I really want from the duels.
My throat caught and if it didn't, I wouldn't have answered anyway.
How on earth could I tell you that I really didn't know anymore. Once
I was certain that I wanted to be rid of your power, that damned spell
that your innocence cast so long ago. Yet I wanted Utena because she
resisted me and because she reminded me of you when we
were so young together. That much I was sure of but
I would have rather died than tell you that, to let you see so much
vulnerability in me. You simply accepted my silence.
Looking back, I wish I had taken you right then before he did. However, it's too late now, isn't it? I also wish that I asked you a few things. Was your "something eternal" what I insinuated in the car? Did it truly have anything to do with me? Why were you calmer than I've seen you in a long time? And why did you ever hit Anshii? You never hit anyone like that before the duels. Was this calmness simply a return to your former self? Yes, I wish that I had asked you. But I didn't want to hear the answers that you would give me. That night didn't turn out at all like I thought it would.
My world, my self-concept was crumbling. I had severely
damaged my relationship with my sister. Utena was falling a little
more under his spell every day. And it was
becoming alarmingly apparent that I was no equal to the End of the
World, I was merely another pawn. I began to cling to you although
I didn't want it to look that way. I was desperate for something constant
and dependable. You were always that to me. I think you needed something
to cling to as well in spite of your apparent calmness. We were there
for each other, almost like it used to be.
The End of the World and I had a little competition:
who would be able to charm Utena. There was no hope for me. She was
integral to his plans and whatever chance I had died when she first
defeated me. But that was slowly becoming unimportant. At first I
only wanted her for my own selfish reasons. But owning her no longer
mattered. What mattered was getting her out of his
grasp even if that meant dueling again. Did this mean that I loved
her? I still don't know in spite of the answer I gave you. While I
was concerned with her I didn't stop to realize that Akio may have
been playing another game. Did he ever take you before? The question
never even entered my head. I deeply regret that now.
As always, you knew what was going on. This time however you didn't bury it under denial You demanded a final answer on my feelings for Utena. You even asked if I was truly happy serving Akio or "kissing his ass so much" as you so delicately put it. But in the end, you acquiesced to me and I suppose that's what truly mattered. You agreed to be my rose bride.
It didn't matter, we lost the duel. It was another
thing that I should have known. I should have listened to your warnings,
Kyouichi. You were always so wise when you weren't in denial. But
I still couldn't save her, she wouldn't even heed my
warnings.
You asked me something, "Is it over…for us". What did you mean by that? Did you even know or could it have been what I once hoped for? Was there really a chance for you to belong to me after all? That day as we lay on our backs in the arena, an idea formed. I would never own Utena. That I would have to accept, painful as it was. She couldn't save me from you and I couldn't save her from the End the World. But perhaps there was hope of owning you.
We recieved our farewell letters but the End of the World wanted to see the both of us for talk. And pictures. I knew perfectly well what taking pictures with Akio meant and that's what should have first tipped me off that he had something planned. Yet all I cared about was that I had an opportunity. That night I could hide my need to own you behind one last manipulation. But this time would be special. I would make you mine in one very unmistakable, important way. After the pictures were taken, my seduction began. You shirt was undone. Your mouth was parted and soft, just like it was when I first met you. Your body was under me, silent and accepting. Perhaps it was only the bike ride earlier that allowed this but your acceptance thrilled me.
But before I could plant one kiss on your lips,
he pulled me away from you, smirking. He
took you away from me right there before my very eyes. And you accepted
it just as you were about to accept me! Why, Kyouichi? I thought that
you would accept me in you because we were together, I still thought
you trusting and foolish enough for that. Were you just lustful and
would even accept him? Did he come to you before and I didn't know
it? How could I have known that robbing me of Utena wouldn't be enough
for him? He had to rob me of you as well. He must have planned it
right from when he told me that it would be alright.
To actually shove it in my face, the taking of the one I truly wanted.
For so long I've wanted to be free of you. Before I just wanted you,
my little pure-hearted prince.
Kyouichi, I don't know if I can survive this. I know now that I've loved you since we were children. I could never be happy without you even if there was Utena. And I accept it. Is this what your mystifying calmness was, acceptance? What are we going to do? Your innocence is gone. I don't want to open myself up to you. Can we work together, Kyouichi? Perhaps we could recover your innocence and even mine since from before my parents died (if I ever had t). Or maybe we don't need innocence anymore. Perhaps maturity will work for us just as well. I swear that I won't hurt you. I don't have the heart or the strength for that anymore. Maybe we'll be alright together. Finally with you, I may have the revolution that I've always wanted. |
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